Why can't you trust women?
How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die!

Proof that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married
2. He never held a steady job
3. He went out drinking with the lads the night before he died.
4. His last request was a drink.
5. He lived with his parents until he was 29.
6. He thought his mother was a virgin, and she, god bless her, thought he was the saviour of the world!

What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic Association.

Q. Did you here about the Irish man who tried to blow up a bus?
A. He burnt his lips on the exhaust.

Q. What do you have if you've got a green ball in one hand and a green ball in the other?
A. Complete control of Kermit the frog.

Moses, Jesus and this old guy are playing golf. Moses lines his driver and whack down the fairway, two bounces into the water. So Moses walks down to the lake, parts the water with his out stretched hands, gets his wedge and chips onto the green. Jesus lines his 1 wood up and sends it rocketing down the fairway and straight into the water. He casually strolls down to the lake, walks on water and chips up onto the green.
Well the old guy hobbles over to the tee, arches back and hits the ball, it bounces a number of times and rolls into the water. Suddenly a fish jumps out of the water and picks up the ball in its mouth, then a hawk flies down and grabs the fish before it hits the water the hawks gains height before being struck by lightening, it drops the fish on the green and as the fish hits the grasses it spits the ball out, and the old guy gets a hole in one. Jesus spins and round and shouts

" Dad quit pissing around or i won't take you to golf again!"

Once there was a man that survived a terrible Plane crash and was lost in a forest...... He had no idea where he was or which way to go. He wandered for days and survived on berries and twigs. He was much to slow to catch any kind of animal and couldn't even start a fire. He should have joined the boy scouts when he was young. After two weeks of wondering he found a thin but three story house with smoke coming out of the chimney. Without hesitation he knocked on the door. A little Man answered the door. He had a long white beard that hung almost to the floor. "Please I need some food and Shelter." Said the young man.
"This I will give you but you must promise not to fool with my lovely daughter." the old man said.

"Thank you and I wouldn't think of messing with your daughter."

"For if you do I will inflict the three most gruesome Chinese torture tests that have ever been devised." The man to weak agreed not thinking that any woman could arouse him in his weak state. After a shower and some sleep the man came down to eat. A grand dinner was set up and the man sat to eat. The old man's daughter entered the room and to great surprise of the young man, she was most beautiful.
So beautiful that the man could hardly tear his eyes away from her during the meal. Later that night the man crept into the girls room just to take one last look at her for he promised to leave early the next morning with a map the old man gave him. When he opened the door he saw the girl was awake and to his surprise she ushered him in. Well being stuck in a forest with just your father doesn't suppress all urges so one thing lead to another. They were as quiet as possible not to wake the old man. After a few hours (Wow) the man crept to his room thinking that any torture would be worth what he just had done.
He fell asleep thinking of her. He got up and felt an enormous pain on his chest. It was a rock with a sign on it. It said: 1st Chinese torture, 100 pound rock on chest! Well this wasn't hardly what the man thought would rate as torture and threw the rock out the window. As he did this he saw a second sign just outside the window it said: 2nd Chinese torture, Left testicle tied to 100 pound rock! The man with out hesitation jumped out the window knowing a 3 story drop would be far better than what was in store for him. As he fell to the ground he saw a large sign on the ground. It said: 3rd Chinese torture, Right testicle tied to bed post!

Two horses were walking back to the paddock after a days training. One says to the other "I can’t understand why we are so slow, we come from good stock, we have the best of food, great trainers, and yet we come last in every race." There was a dog running along side them who overheard and said "I know what your problem is. I have seen you race and it looks to me as if you race off at the start really fast and use up all your energy and then you have nothing left. What you should do is pace yourselves and when all the other horses are knackered, put in a spurt and you’re sure to win. What do you think of that?". The horses looked at one another and said "my god, a talking dog!"

A coach load of Scousers goes screaming into a sharp bend on an icy night and every one dies. At the golden gates to heaven St. Peter opens one gate and is horrified to see 40 of Liverpool's best wanting to come in.
"I can't just let you in, I've got to check with the boss" and goes to check with God. Imagining halos being used as Frisbees, angels with missing wings and worse he sends St. Peter back saying "send 'em all back but if you must, let the first 5 in. Ten minutes later St. Peter returns panicking "God, They've gone!!"

"What, all forty?"

"No. The gates!"

Neil Armstrong's words upon taking his first step on the Moon did not say "One small step for man ...etc but apparently said "Go for it Mr Eisenbeck!"
A TV interviewer pressed him for an explanation on his return to Earth and he recalled the day when, as a thirteen year old, he was retrieving his baseball from the next door garden.
He overheard shouting from the bedroom window of his neighbours house and a woman's voice yelling.....
"BLOW JOB?...... YOU CAN HAVE A BLOW JOB WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!!!"

A horse walks into a bar and asks for a pint. The barman thinks... hmm, I can rip off this horse without him realising, so charges £13 for the pint. The barman later says "We don't get many horses in this pub" to that the horse replied "I'm not surprised the price you charge for a bloody pint!"

A man and his local vicar were playing golf. The man had a terrible short game and kept missing crucial three footers.
At the 3rd he missed one and exclaimed "Fuck, I missed!!"
To which the vicar replied, "You should curb your language my son or God will strike you down."
At the fifteenth the man missed another sitter and again cried, "Fuck I missed!!!!"
The vicar again warned the man about the virtues of an unclean tongue.
At the eighteenth the man missed yet another 3 footer and yelled in frustration, "FUCK, I missed."
The vicar was livid, "May god have mercy upon you soul my son for surely the Lord will strike you down."
As the vicar was speaking, dark clouds had been building up over the eighteenth green and no sooner had the vicar stopped speaking did an enormous bolt of lightening struck the vicar to ash.
At which a big booming voice filled the air, "FUCK, I MISSED!!"

An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye.
Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver ladle, you don't suppose he took it do you?"
The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying that you 'did not' take a gravy ladle, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here."
Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."

Apparently Scientists have discovered female hormones in beer. If you drink enough of it, you talk shit and can't drive.

What's Got two sets of balls and fucks you twice a week...
The National Lottery.

A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, "Mum am I a real polar bear?" "Of course you are." His mother replied. The young polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?"

"Yes, you are a real polar bear."
A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears, or are they brown bears?"

"They are polar bears" said his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents,
"Are all my relatives real polar bears, or were some of the koala bears?"

"They are all real polar bears." Said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother. "Because," said the young polar bear, "I’m bloody freezing!"

Bloke was walking past this shop one time when he saw on the window,
Any sandwich filling you want or $100,
he thought that was interesting and so he went into the shop and asked if any one ever won the money.
The bloke behind the counter said yeah yesterday a guy came in and wanted elephant's balls on toast but we had ran out of bread.

A blind man walks into a shop with his guide dog. He walks right into the centre of the shop floor, casually picks up the dog and starts to swing the poor creature around his head. The shop security, noticing a flying dog in their store, decide to talk to the man with the dog.
"What the hell are you doing?" asks one of the security men, to which the blind man replies, "I'm having a look around."

A policeman is driving along the road when he gets an urgent message on his radio telling him there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road. He rushes to the scene where he discovers a man's body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head, and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds and thousands. A puzzled onlooker asks the policeman what he thinks has happened, to which the policeman replies: "It looks like he's topped himself."

What do you call a man with a cow and a pig on his head?
Mohammed

A man goes to see the doctor about a truly wretched gas problem he has. "Doctor," he says nervously, "I have this weird ailment in which I fart every few minutes and they sound like bloody thunderclaps! They don't seem to smell at all, but it's really embarrassing when I've got company." Right on cue, the afflicted man emits a horrifyingly loud anal detonation, which almost blows him off his seat.
"Well," the doctor says, "I'll prescribe some pills for you. Take them every two hours and see me at the end of the week, if you will."
One week passes and the guy storms back into the office.
"You bastard!" he screams, "Not only am I still passing gas, now they smell as if something crawled up my arse and died!"
The doctor smiles. "Excellent. Now that you've got your sense of smell back, let's work on the gas problem!"

Little Timmy and Little Bobby go to visit their grandmother in the country. They've been brought up in a fairly ill-disciplined household and are prone to swear quite a bit. Anyway after about a solid week of cursing and swearing their grandmother can't take it anymore and goes to see her friend Maude and get some advice.
"What can I do about them swearing?" says the grandmother, "As far as I'm concerned there is only really one thing you can do," says Maude, "next time they swear just hit 'em good and hard and they won't do it again."

"I can't do that!" says grandma, shocked at the thought, "they're my grandchildren!"

"Look," says Maude, "It'll teach 'em a good lesson mark my words." Anyway Grandma leaves and goes home. The next morning Timmy and Bobby go downstairs to have breakfast.
Grandma says to Bobby, "And what would you like for breakfast?" To which Bobby replies, "Give me some of them Fucking cornflakes!" Grandma lashes out with this big swing and knocks Bobby clean out of his chair.
He sits on the ground looking shocked at his grandma. Next Grandma turns to Timmy," and what would you like for breakfast little Timmy?" Timmy looks at his brother and then back to his grandmother and says, "I don't know but you can bet your sweet arse it won't be fucking cornflakes!"

Q: How can you tell when a fax had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Two dukes have just finish fighting a battle together, the first duke says to the second "What a great battle that was!". The second agrees. He then continues "Why is it that in every battle we fight you always wear that red blazer?". The second duke answers "Well it's in case I get injured in the heat of battle, the rest of my army will not see my blood". The first duke responds, "That's a bloody good idea, I think next time I'll wear my brown trousers".

There were 3 men in court for supply of drugs. The judge tells them if they can convince people in one week, not to take drugs they would not go to jail, but they had to use a diagram of 1 big circle and 1 small circle. So the 3 men went away and came back a week later. The judge calls the first man, who says he convinced 50 not to take drugs.
He said the big circle is your ring of friendship before you take drugs and the small circle is your ring of friendship after you take drugs. The judge tells him to go home and not to sell drugs again. So next the judge calls upon defendant number 2.
He said he convinced 100 people not to take drugs by telling them the big circle was the size of your brain before you take drugs and the small being the size after. The judge told him good and also not to get involved in drugs again. So now the judge calls the third and final guy to stand.
He said he convinced 500 not to take drugs. The judge is well pleased by this time and says how did you do that. He said that the small circle is the size off your asshole before you go to jail and the large circle is the size of it when you come out.

What's the difference between Toast & Women?
You can make soldiers out of toast!

Q: Why don't blind people sky-dive?
A: It scares the hell out of their dogs!

Why do Australians whistle when they have a shit?
So they know which end to wipe.

There's this couple doing some work in the garden and the wife stops to go up and take a shower....so the guy is looking for the rake and yells to his wife, who looks out to the upstairs bathroom window, "Where's the rake?" She can't hear him, so he makes raking motions. "What?" she yells. So he goes through the whole routine again. She nods like she gets it and then points to her eye, squeezes her left breast, slaps her ass and then rubs her crotch. Her husband is somewhat confused, but totally aroused, so he quickly goes in the house, up the stairs, and into the bathroom. "What did you say?" She says, "I said: eye, left tit, behind, the bush."

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around, and he gets a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster.
I've got to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy.
"You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster. So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.
By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself...Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

Cedric and Bill, two old men suffering from Alzheimer’s disease, are out walking one day when Cedric sees an ice cream van at the end of a road. "Bill, go get me a 99" says Cedric, "a 99" replies Bill, "I’ll never remember that". "Just remember 99,99,99"says Cedric. So off Bill trots toward the ice cream van saying "99,99,99" when Cedric calls him back. "Bill, get me some chopped nuts on that". "Chopped what’s on what?" replies poor Bill, looking confused. "Just remember,99,chopped nuts" says Cedric.
Again Bill wanders off, repeating Cedric’s order over and over again. No sooner has Bill walked a few steps Cedric cries out," strawberry sauce as well!". Bill stops and turns round, "I'll never remember that!". "Look Bill, remember 99,chopped nuts, strawberry sauce". Off Bill wanders saying "99,nuts, strawberry sauce, 99,nuts,strawberry sauce,99,nuts strawberry sauce" Half an hour later, Bill comes back with a bag of chips.
Looking angry Cedric shouts, "WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT?".

"bag of chips" ,says Bill, to which Cedric replies "I CAN SEE THAT, WHERES MY PIE"!

Why don't Italians have moustaches?
Cause they don't want to look like their mothers.

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about ten feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walk several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation.
"This is marvellous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. "My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we decided to call him George." "That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot.
"My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so we decided to call him Andrew." "My God that's amazing," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell
the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've
been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible
deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early and try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man
in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a
hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Dave: My dogs got no legs, we call him cigarette.
John: Why?
Dave: Cause every night we take him out for a drag.

What's the German word for constipated?
Farfrumpoopin.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face and the egg is frowning and looking a tad put out. The egg mutters to no-one in particular "I guess we answered THAT question."

Did you hear about the crab who went to the disco and pulled a muscle?

Q. How do you know when you're too fat?
A. When you are laying at the beach and a group of Greenpeace activists try to push you back into the ocean.

A young man walks into a pharmacy one day and asks the pharmacist behind the counter for some condoms. "Pretty hot date, eh?" asks the pharmacist. "You betcha. My date and I are going up to inspiration point tonight and steam some windows." He buys the condoms and leaves. Later that night, he goes to pick up his date.
She invites him in to meet the parents. After the customary "Hello’s and "Pleased to meet you"', the young man says, "Hey, instead of going out tonight, why don't we stay in and play some Monopoly?" Rather puzzled, she agrees, and the four (including the parents) play Monopoly until midnight. When it's about time to leave, the girl takes her date aside and asks him, "Why didn't you tell me you wanted to stay in tonight?" He counters, "Why didn't you tell me your dad is a pharmacist?"

Three cowboys had wandered into hostile Indian territory and were captured. The chief told them, "I’m going to torture you each before killing you, and will use your skin to make a canoe. Now, I’ve decided to be generous and will grant you a wish each." "What do you wish for? "he asked the first cowboy. "A knife!" came the reply. So he was given a knife, with which the cowboy killed himself. "Very brave, "said the chief. "Now you, "he asked he second, "what do you wish for?" The second cowboy asked for a knife too and he too, took his own life.
The chief asked the last cowboy, "Now it's your turn. What do you want?"

"A fork," replied the third cowboy calmly. "A fork?" asked the chief amidst laughter from the other Indians. "Fine, a fork it is." So the third cowboy took the fork and started to poke himself. "I hope your stupid canoe sinks!

What's black'n'blue and sits at the bottom of the Irish sea?
The last man to tell a Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman joke

What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff

President Clinton worried about the efficiency of his agencies decides to test them. He takes a large area of woodland and fences it off into three equal areas and releases a red squirrel into each. He gives the first area to the FBI, the second to the CIA and the third to the NYPD with the mission of finding the squirrel in a week.
The week elapses and he asks the FBI how they got on. The FBI say that they mobilized the Dept of The Environment, the local police, The Forestry Commission in addition posting wanted signs in local towns and on the tree.
The Squirrel however was still 'at large'. The Spokesman for the CIA is up next and after calling in 'Grey Ops', asked for a napalm strike. The officer then pushes across a clear plastic envelope containing greasy grey ashes saying that they believe that to be Red Squirrel residue.
The President then turns the Chief of New Police who then nods to a junior officer. The door to the room opens and two police officers walk in holding a handcuffed, bruised and blooded badger between them.
The Chief then jabs his night-stick into the badgers ribs and says "Tell him what you told me". The badger then screams "I'm a red squirrel, I'm a red squirrel!".

One of the boys replied, "This dog is an old neighbourhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we're having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today."

Of course, the Reverend was shocked. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. "All right," he said, "give him the dog."