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Only The Best Jokes Around!
Ice Cream
A man was in an ice cream parlor waiting to buy some ice cream. There was one
lady in front of him. She ordered a chocolate cone.
The soda-jerk told her he's sorry but they have run out of chocolate. She said,
"OK, then I'll have some chocolate."
He told her, "Lady, I'm out of chocolate."
Once again she said, "OK, I'll just have some chocolate."
Exasperated, he said, "Lady, spell VAN as in vanilla."
She spelled van.
He said, "Good, now spell STRAW as in strawberry."
She spelled straw.
He said, "Good, now spell FUCK as in chocolate."
The lady said, "There is no fuck in chocolate."
He replied, "That's what I'm trying to tell you."
Frogs
There were these three frogs swimming in the pond in Central Park. A
policeman happend along and seen them swimming in the pond. He asked "What
are you doing swimming in the pond in Central Park?" The frogs reply was
"We weren't swimming in the pond in central park. We were blowing
bubbles." the officer told the frogs that he was taking them down town.
The following day the appeared before a judge. the judge called one of the frogs
up. "What is your name?" The judge asked. "Frog number one."
Was the frog's reply. "What were you doing swimming in the pond in central
park?" the judge asked. The frog replied "I wasn't swimming in the
pond in central park. I was blowing bubbles." The judge told the frog he
can be seated.
The judge called up the second frog. "What is your name?" asked the
judge. "Frog number 2." the frog replied. "What were you doing
swimming in the pond in central park?" The frog said "I wasn't
awimming in the pond in central park. I was blowing bubbles." The judge
told the frog to be seated.
He called the thrid frog up. The judge then said "Don't tell me. Your frog
number three." The frog replied "No, I'm Bubbles."
Rake
A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower.
The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, Where is
the rake?
She can't hear and shouts back, "What?"
The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a
raking motion
The wife is not sure and says, "What?" and the man repeats his
gestures.
"EYE KNEE-THE RAKE"
The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her
eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and
finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one.
Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the friggin' hell was
that?"
She replies, "EYE-LEFT TIT-BEHIND-THE BUSH!"
What Not To Put On Your C.V.
The following were taken from real resumes and cover letters.
1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
6. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
7. Its best for employers that I not work with people.
8. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
9. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
10. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
11. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments .
13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to respond
to my resume on my office voice mail.
15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely
nothing.
16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in
meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
21. Note: Please dont miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a
job.
22. Marital status: often. Children: various.
23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by
8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Report):
* Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
* Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
* A room temperature IQ..
* Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
* A prime candidate for natural deselection.
* Bright as Alaska in December.
* Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming
* So dense, light bends around him.
* If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
* If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
* Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
* Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports:
* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
* I would not breed from this officer.
* He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
satisfaction.
* He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
* This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
* This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port,
and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
* Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
* She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
* He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
* Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
* This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
Deaf Sex
Two deaf people get married. During the first
week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom
when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign
language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the
wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't
we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex
with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to
have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great
idea, now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one
time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis fifty
times."
Old Nudists
Jake, an older fellow, joins a nudist colony. At the reception, he paid the reception clerk $500 joining fee. The clerk tells jake 'strip off, put your clothes in your locker, and go through that door and have a look round'.
Jake strips and walks through the door, and as he approaches a very beautiful woman, he gets an instant erection.
'Did you call me'? The woman said.
'No' Jake replied.
She looks at his erection and said 'Around here when a man gets an erection near a woman we say he called her'. With that she grabs his cock and drags him to the nearest bed and fucks his brains out. When Jake recovers a little he enters the showers and as he is washing his cock and balls he lets out a very loud fart. A huge man enters the shower with an enormous erection, 'Did you call me'? He said.
'NO,NO,NO'! said Jake.
'Well around here' the huge man said 'When a man farts near another man we say he has called him'. With that the huge man bends Jake over the towel rail and fucks his ass hard and rough.
Jake storms off to reception and yells at the reception clerk 'YOU CAN KEEP THE $500,I AM OFF,NEVER TO RETURN'!
'But Jake' answered the reception clerk 'You only just got here, you haven't experienced the colony yet'.
'I have experienced enough' Jake replied. 'I am 56 years old, I get an erection only once a month, but I fart at least 40 times a day'.
Jamaican Firemen
A newly wed Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife "Y'know sumptin, honey, we have a wonderful system at de fire station:
Bell 1 rings - we put on de jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.
So from now on, when I says 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.
When I says 'Bell two', you jump on de bed.
When I says 'Bell tree', we's gonna mek love all tru de night."
The next night he came home and shouted 'Bell One', so she stripped naked.
'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed.
'Bell Tree', and they started to make love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled out "Bell Four".
"What de hell is 'Bell Four', woman?"
She replied: "Roll out more hose, man, you ain't nowhere near de fire!"
Voodoo
A man and his wife were addicted to sex. The man had to go abroad on a
business trip, and knowing his wife would need a shag, told her to buy a dildo.
She agreed.
The next day, the woman went to a sex shop and asked for a dildo that would
satisfy a sex addict. She was told that there was a Voodoo dildo which could do
anything you tell it to. e.g if you said "voodoo pussy", it would ram
itself up your pussy and fuck you.
The woman decided to buy the dildo, but she couldn't wait to get home to use it.
So, in the car, she said "Voodoo mouth" and the dildo went in her
mouth and covered her face. And she crashed into a police car.
When the cop came to ask her what had happened, she explained that she had a
"voodoo" dildo that could do anything you asked it to.
He replied sarcastically, "voodoo my arse!!"
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